Poetry in Suction

Consider if you will, the art of vacuuming. Visualize the simple, yet profound, gestures of a human and a sucking tube, united in action, not unlike a dance. In a society without the vacuum — perhaps the greatest of all human inventions since the spatula — we would be surrounded by piles of dust almost all of the time. And if you wanted to get rid of the piles of dust, you would need a broom. So let us reflect on the vacuum cleaner, which changed all of that forever.

As a young man, I failed to appreciate the art of vacuuming. I would say, “I don’t mind a little dust,” in a tone suggesting that filth-avoidance was for wimps. I’d often let weeks, or months, pass without using my vacuum cleaner. Sometimes, I’d just wait for a windy day and open all the doors and windows, in hopes that the breeze would blow all the dust outside while I relaxed on the sofa, my hair fluttering downwind.

After I started living with my wife, she helped me to change my perspective. One day, she took me on a tour of our house, pointing out the clumps of dust and hair that had accumulated in corners and under things. Too huge for “dust bunnies,” we call the cryptic creatures “dust leopards.”

After that, I declared war on dust leopards and started doing much more vacuuming. But I approached it differently than my wife did. She looked at vacuuming as just a chore. But I doubled the benefits of vacuuming by treating it as exercise. Before pulling out and plugging in the vacuum, I’d put on my spandex shorts, my Just Do It! T-shirt, leg-warmers and a red headband. Then I’d guzzle a protein-shake and blast Skrillex or Kylie Minogue on the music player. Then, and only then, would I be in the right mindset to vacuum with full intensity and total competitive focus. Like pro tennis players, I often grunt or shriek while sweeping the Dyson side-to-side across the floor. When I’m done, the floor is freakin’ sparkly and the rugs are pristine and my muscles are totally freakin’ pumped! I put the vacuum neatly back in the closet and mix up another protein shake, this time spiked with mail- order steroids and powdered rhino-tusk. Of course, vacuuming is much more than just a way to clean dust and get fit. It is, first and foremost, a form of creative expression that ranks with painting, sonnets, solo synchronized swimming and mime.