A Modest Light Rail Proposal
- Mark Coakley
- 11 Dec 2015
Recently, Councillor Aidan Johnson told a packed, rowdy meeting of the Ainslie Wood Community Association about plans for Light Rapid Transportation in Hamilton. He was enthusiastic about the project, as am I and my neighbours, but Johnson informed us that parts of the LRT plan have attracted criticism and that many details still have to be worked out.
Well, I consider myself a bit of an expert on traffic issues, so after hearing that, I spent an hour or so researching the LRT debate on Twitter and Instagram. Then I came up with ways to tweak the plan that are sure to silence all critics.
Criticism #1: “The route is too short.”
The current plan is for LRT to connect McMas- ter Hospital/University in the west to the Queenston Traffic Circle in the east. Some argue that it should go farther west, suggesting Dundas’s University Plaza, and some people propose moving the other terminal to the east, suggesting Eastgate Square.
There is much to say for University Plaza and Eastgate Square as terminals, but what about all the citizens and taxpayers who live to the west or the east of those locations? Don’t they deserve efficient transportation too? So, I propose that the LRT route be extended to run from the most westerly part of Hamilton (where Concession Road #10 meets Cooper Road, near Waterloo Region) to Hamilton’s eastern border (where Barton Street East intersects Fifty Road, near Niagara Region). The eastern LRT terminal could be at the lovely and historic Winona Peach Festival Field, surrounded by scenic farmland. As for the western terminal, why not build it in a cattail swamp, with an abandoned gravel mine conveniently nearby?
Criticism #2: “A north-south portion should be added.”
It makes a lot of sense to include the Mountain and the North End in the LRT plan. So, I propose one spur heading north from down- town to the lake and another heading south to the Dave Andreychuck Mountain Arena & Skating Centre.
Criticism #3: “The LRT plan is boring and lacks ‘sizzle.’”
Oh, I got that sizzle, baby. You’ll be singing, “Rock me, mama, like a southbound train” when you hear all the LRT sizzle I’ve got for you. The north-south spurs are going to have some very special features. On the way up the Mountain, LRT commuters will enjoy a lovely vista of the city unfolding beneath their windows. And on the way down, well … Have you ever been on a roller coaster? This summer, my family went to Canada’s Wonderland and had a mind-blowing experience, especially on the Leviathan and Behemoth roller coasters. That first plunge is such a thrill! That’s how it’s going to feel taking the LRT down the Escarp- ment. Just imagine holding on tight to your padded restraint equipment, the whistle of the wind in your ears mixing with the wild screams of the other commuters as the train plummets down, rocketing under the Jolley Cut at 300 km/hr. If the budget allows, there will also be a loop-de-loop, right over that Ethiopian restaurant on James St. South.
More sizzle: The northern LRT spur will go from downtown to the lake – not to the lakeshore, but actually into the lake. The underwater portion of the route will extend 461 meters into Hamilton Harbour, ending at a historic shipwreck from the War of 1812 (at a depth of 4.6 meters). After arriving at the submerged terminal, commuters can retrieve their scuba gear from a rack at the front of the sealed train and use flipper-power to get to Burlington.
Criticism #4: “An LRT route on James Street North will interfere with Art Crawl/SuperCrawl.”
Simple solution: Just move the Crawls onto LRT trains. A hipster’s paradise – supporting both local artists and sustainable transportation at the same time! Retailers and food-sellers will stand in each train car, offering their locally-sourced goods to crowds as they stroll from one end of the train to the other. At SuperCrawl, the headlining musical acts will perform in the locomo- tive cabin, where the P.A. system will pipe their catchy beats and melodies to every train car. Of course, the locomotive cabin may be too small for some bands to squeeze in all of their members; a band like Arcade Fire with 14 artists, for example, might have to leave a couple of their percussionists and pan-flute players behind at the terminal. And some musicians may complain about their songs being interrupted every minute or so for automated announcements over the P.A. about the next stop. But those are small quibbles with an otherwise win-win plan.
Criticism #5: “LRT is too expensive.”
Although my plan will increase the total construction and operating costs by well over 300 thrillion dollars, at least, the solution is simple – have Toronto pay for it! After all, Hamilton is accepting vast numbers of economic migrants from Hogtown every year: a tragic mass of humanity unable to afford any kind of housing at all in Toronto, where the price of even a dry cardboard box in a quiet downtown alley can start in the high $200 Ks. We have opened our hearts and our homes to migrants from Toronto, and all we ask in return is that Queen’s Park pay 100% of the cost for the most extreme public transportation system ever hal- lucinated. If Premier Wynne refuses to create a special tax on Toronto to pay for my mod- est proposal, we could stop accepting migrants from Toronto – maybe even put up a fence.
My next step is to bring my research to City Hall, where I’ll pay a surprise visit to Councillor Johnson in order to describe my LRT plans in great detail. I’m bringing along some poster-sized, hand-drawn sketches of the terminals and the loop-de-loop, to better convey my vision to him – and to the Mayor and the rest of Council.
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